the four right chords can make me cry

Meditations on Childhood, Adulthood and what happens in between.

Childhood is about unquestioning trust; the road to maturity is all about hurling rocks at that unshakable confidence and realising that you really can trust no one. Everyone is going to fail you, because everyone is essentially selfish. We easily recognise selfishness in a child, a baby is one of the most openly selfish things. But we don't stop being selfish when we become adults, we just get really good at hiding it behind layers and layers of motives. I've discovered, much to my disgust, that none of my motives are ever 100% pure, and the so-called "bad" motives are so closely intertwined with the so-called altruistic ones that it is impossible to separate the two. This process of learning that you can trust no one is sometimes called independence. But the sad fact is, the person I trust the least is myself, because I know myself so well, and I know that I can't be counted on. So who does that leave me with?

You. Thank you.

posted by beckyboo @ 1:03 AM 0 comments

Update.

• Failed my driving test! BUGGER. Next test date is like late march. BUGGER. Need money!!!!
• Got my results back.
• Best friend is back, yay!
• Suffering from Missing Thailand Syndrome.
• Very, very, very broke.
• Room is still in a mess.
• Very well fed and well loved.

posted by beckyboo @ 11:41 PM 0 comments

That sure does put things into perspective.

Like on timo's blog


Tsunamis wreak havoc in Thailand. Is Boredin ok? He's in Hatyai...

Considering all the crazy things I did on the trip, it's already pretty amazing that I made it back to Singapore completely unscathed. To learn that I just missed the tsunami... I don't know what to say. And I was just thinking to myself at the airport: "I want to stay here! Extend my holiday! Maybe even take a flight to Phi phi island, I heard it's beautiful..."

Singapore was completely spared. Life goes on, our trivial concerns predominate. Like my driving test. I just learnt yesterday that my test is actually TODAY and not on the 30th like I thought it was. And I've only been in the circuit twice, the second time being yesterday. But in the light of more than 10,000 dead? It doesn't matter.

At least I know that the people in Ban Tham are safe, up in the north. Boredin is ok too, according to Godwin.

I pray that there are no more aftershocks. I'm thankful that I'm safe, that the people I love are safe.

posted by beckyboo @ 1:06 PM 0 comments

Cest la vie!

as if I didnt see that one coming.

Battle Royale!

was probably not a very smart thing to stay up reading Battle Royale till 4am this morning considering church at 8:30am. But I just couldnt put the book down!!! And MAN that book is FREAKY. Kept imagining people trying to kill me when I was trying to get to sleep. Quite terrifying. Books have a stronger hold on my imagination than movies, though now I really want to watch the movie too. A blatant allegory for the nation of Japan, the Republic of Greater East Asia. So gory, its brilliantly shocking, even in this age of kill bill type movies when people are so desensitised. Can't wait to finish it and start reading it again!!!

the unbearable lightness of being

A book I finished up in Thailand. Some bits were so insightful, but I felt it was largely an ego trip for the author and consequently rather pathetic. Still, quite interesting to read.

I'm dreaming of a Thai christmas.

I miss being in thailand with the rest of the team. I miss my housemates. I miss waking up early to pai talat. I miss eating meals together with everyone. I miss Mak Heau Jae, all of them.

Things feel pretty hollow. The emptiness reverberates like a tenor in a catherdral.

Anyway, no time to think about the darkness of man or the blackness of my heart. Time for driving lesson!

posted by beckyboo @ 1:20 PM 0 comments

December by Collective soul

Why drink the water from my hand?
Contagious as you think I am
Just tilt my sun towards your domain.
Your cup runneth over again.

Don't scream about
Don't think aloud
Turn your head now baby
Just spit me out
Don't worry about
Don't speak of doubt
Turn your head now baby
Just spit me out

Why follow me to higher ground?
Lost as you swear I am.
Don't throw away your basic needs,
Ambiance and vanity.

December promise you gave unto me
December whispers of treachery
December clouds are now covering me
December songs no longer I sing

Lonely again. I know its probably just the post-expedition feeling, like the post-camp feeling. I miss being surrounded by 24 people, or at least just 3, my housemates. Thailand was incredible. I wanna marry a Thai guy and live there forever. But I'm glad to be home. Kinda blur cos so much has happened since i've been gone. But strangely enough I don't feel like I've missed much. Transcendence?

Where do I begin? To tell the story of my trip to thailand? Too many things, can't start. But I really had the best time there. Don't feel like blogging, rather sit somewhere and muse. Muse. Oh yeah, i'll post some pictures up soon, like now, or whenever I get round to it.

posted by beckyboo @ 9:44 PM 0 comments

It's been too long

since I last posted a proper post. So nonsensical and fluffy recently. It's cos I've been so busy that I havent had the time to take it all in, internalise all the crazy activity going on around me. Haven't had time to think, feel, be. I want to Be. You can't spell Becky (or ReBecca for that matter) without Be. I want less Do. I want more Be. yeah.

I realise even that day chilling out with serene I was reading a book, which is still some sort of activity. But still, enforced relaxing is good. Pretending to be at a seaside resort is fun.

oh yah... I wanna kill darryl!!! He totally ate all the ice cream kel bought for me, I didnt even get to touch it. I did'nt even know what flavour it was cos I put it in the freezer still in the plastic bag. Time to layeth the smacketh downeth on the siblingeth. *cracks knuckles*

In other news, I will be missing the concluding episodes of season 1 of my absolutely favouritest show while i'm in thailand. Carnivale!!!! But the episode reviews on tv without pity are HILARIOUS. A bit lewd though, i warn ya. Here's a sample

After some particularly snazzy opening credits (featuring tarot cards, Babe Ruth, Mussolini, Jesse Owens, and the Hindenburg), we begin with Michael J. Anderson addressing us directly in front of a plain black background. "Before the beginning," he solemnly intones as a faint halo of light expands behind him, "after the great war between heaven and hell, God created the Earth and gave dominion over it to the crafty ape he called Man." Hmm. "Crafty ape"? Is that like an orangutan who does macramé?

HAHAHAHA!!!!!! CRAFTY APE!

posted by beckyboo @ 1:31 AM 0 comments